Holidays....... Hallmark kiss my ass!

When the holiday season rolls around, I feel like I've stepped underneath some mistletoe and the closest thing for me to kiss is a giant dog turd. I'm positive things have been blown out of proportion in the years and years of celebrating Saint Nick, the Menorah, strapping dynamite to your chest and praising Allah (or whatever they do), or just plain gorging on food and putting up the biggest pagan symbol of all, the tree. Anyway, it can be fun and usually, after it is all said and done, everybody has had a good time, drank too much, eaten too much, and done way too many dishes. We started off this season with our anniversary, which was awesome, and writing our friends and family over 200 cards (usually not awesome, but I skipped out of it, genious!). Thanks to final exams and a lovely work schedule, things have pretty much blown up to this point.

This year, there are too many parties to go to (although some I am looking forward to), too many commitments, and too much stuff that frankly, I don't give a shit about. I wonder when people or planning committees, or other vindictive souls that organize all this crap, sit down to figure out the holiday events, they are disappointed that there aren't more hours in a day to waste time drinking punch and eating Safeway cookies. My problem is, I am too nice to say no, and the general lack of understanding of the importance of exams to me from most people, has led to a point where even though I have a lot of work to do, I don't even want to get out of bed. All of this to blame is an overall, worldwide conspiracy to cheapen whatever religious ceremony that caused this season to begin in the first place. I'm sorry, but if it wasn't for Christians and Jews (well, mainly Jesus), then this whole holiday season would be really just a end of year break. New Years Eve is the last of all things to be a sacred celebration. Personally, I don't even remember the last 8 New Years Eves, which is probably a good thing.

So how does all this ridiculousness accumulate until people are crying in church, thanking God that the holidays are over with?........ Fucking Hallmark, damn right. If you've ever walked into a Hallmark store, it will make the average person scream with terror. Every shelf is busy with some kind of decoration, stuffed toy that makes noise, card with candy, just everything imaginable that would drive a self-respecting male to cry and claw at the doors. The women love this shit, I'm sure they don't even know what they are buying most of the time. My wife, I love her, asked for ornaments for Christmas this year. Not for something to hang on the tree this year, but as a present for Christmas. I'll get them, because I love making her happy and I love her, but that is what has happened. Hallmark has taken over her brain, like the other day, she ordered an Elf costume from Amazon, for a good reason, but I digress; the main distributer is.... Hallmark. Asking for ornaments for Christmas is like asking to turn a year older on your birthday, it's written in the script, ornaments are supposed to be bought at Christmas, but not FOR Christmas. I bet if Hallmark sold surfboards, I'd have a freaking red and green 6'10", 6'5", and 8'0" like I really want. Sure, I'll look like Freddy Krueger surfing out on the waves, or a cracked out Santa Claus, but that store seriously puts LSD in their ventilation system and plays subliminal messages in their constantly streaming Christmas music. BTW, the only day of the year that you won't hear Christmas music in Hallmark is my birthday, July 2nd. Maybe a few other days too, but who knows. I'm not trying to be a Scrooge, but it has become easier over the years, that is for sure. I'm sure next year we will be flying home or something, watching some movie sponsored by Hallmark on Hallmark Air. I think next time in Hallmark, I'm going to shit my pants at the cash register and then leave without paying, that'll show them...... fucking Hallmark.