Get your news on Sci Fi, not CNN

At my job, it is mandated that we have two news channels running 24-7. This is supposed to help us assess worldy situations that may affect the Navy, particularly the submarine force. Only once, in the past year that I have been working here, has anything shown up on the news that affected the submarine force. We knew about the issue way before it even showed up on television, so "thanks news", but we had it covered. In the past couple of months, some issues have arisen that have compromised the flexibility of these "TV rules". First, I just want to say, that I am 27 years old and someone still tells me what I'm allowed to watch on TV. Granted, it is a government television, but regardless it is still ridiculous. A few months ago, our boss came in super-early only to find one of my co-workers watching a movie, so the facade was finally off. During the midnight watch, there isn't much going on, so movies, TV shows, etc. are ways to stay awake and pass the time. I don't think there has ever been an issue with neglecting our jobs in the name of South Park, but when the boss-man says no, it means no, at least to their knowledge. I doubt they go home at night and think of ways to catch us sneaking some Fresh Prince re-run at 0300, but if they happen to come into work that early, they don't expect to see it on either. It is a desperate game, and even more desperate for me since I don't have cable at home and this is my way to watch anything but local channels (they suck in Hawaii).

The idea that CNN, MSNBC, and FOXNEWS actually contain any amount of "news" is absurd. I've watched easily over 1000 hours of this crap over the past year, and literally, two straight months of Anna Nicole baby trial. Nothing else is ever on these scholarly programs except tabloid journalism, ever. Newscasters cannot seperate facts with their own personal feelings, so that is what you get. I'm sure most of those people got the job, not for their intellectual analysis abilities, but because they look good on camera and can read. It comes out in the stupid shit that spews from the boob tube news networks. I've come to the conclusion that all the news channels don't really tell us anything about society. They only thing reported is the dregs of our communities: murders, rapes, robberies, disappearances, war, poverty, celebrities.... all of them equally as horrible as the next. What about the successes? What about the people who succeed and make a difference. What about the little retarded boy who learns that his diapers aren't a source of food and then learns to play the guitar? That is the kind of stuff that I want to hear about, the true triumphs of mankind. Oh yeah, and midgets, I need more of that, they make everyone happy.

So why are we forced to watch this crap? I think we should be forced to leave it on the Sci Fi channel. Sci Fi comes out with original TV shows and movies, which are all equally amazing. I believe that Americans would be better if they watched more Sci Fi channel original movies, with gothsblood. For example, the movie Frankenfish is about a pack of giant, killer, snakehead fish taking over a Louisiana Bayou..... or is it? China Chow and her buddies, represent the multi-culturalism of society. There are the elderly couple who refuse to leave the swamp, and get their ass eaten. There is the crazy redneck who swims around in the water despite the monster fish, and gets his ass eaten. There is the old, black voodoo guy who gets his ass eaten, but not without a few funny quips. The other residents band together to resist the corporation that is trying to move in and farm the snakehead fish for the military, and China Chow gets her ass eaten.... quite literally. So basically, minorities, elderly, and white guys all get their ass eaten, but not without accomplishing the feat of defeating the flesh eating snakehead fish. Equality and Triumph, the success of man against adversity while facing society's stereotypes. This kind of shit would never get put on the news, only Sci Fi.

Sci Fi lets us see the strengths in society, not the weaknesses depicted by CNN. What did I ever do to witness all the men come forth who claimed Anna Nicoles baby? Seriously, is the biggest, most ground breaking news about all the guys that some drugged up porn star had slept with in her life? Has America become so desensitized to these horrible, secular, demoralized celebrities that we actually care about their baby's dady? Well, the semi-retarded news anchors sure seem to think so. They also seem to think that 14 straight hours of Britney's legal troubles is much more important than the state of Iran's nuclear power program. Again, I turn to Sci Fi to tell me what kind of amazing things can happen in the face of adversity, as true American would.

ManShark was the creation of a government agency's attempt at making sharks smarter by infusing human DNA with shark DNA. They were seeing good results, until they used too much human DNA and produced a ManShark. They kept it in its own tank, held closed by a door with a flywheel, the highest that technology had to offer them. Needless to say, ManShark got loose, ate all the dolphins in the facility and a few lab techs, and escaped to the open ocean. This brings us to our local island in the Caribbean, which is where the ManShark has started to call home. Ernie Hudson and the guy from Coach end up banding together to combat ManShark, and end up rapidly depressurizing it in a hyperbaric chamber to kill it. Sci Fi just showed us how blacks and whites can work together and employ their education in sciences to overcome adversity. It showed how education is color blind in America and the key to our children's future is by increasing America's aptitude in the sciences. We just learned a great deal about what it will really take to turn our tide towards better school standards. Thank you ManShark, even though you showed those poor villagers no compassion when you disemboweled them one by one, including Ernie Hudson, you showed America the key to our children's future.

Sci Fi channel and gothsblood forever.